Ooooooookay, here it is. Zomg... *hides in a corner* A fic with this title was requested by snowym...and she wanted it to be zoo p0rn. So I wrote it. Zomg. *snuggles and pokes M for being so silly* But she did save my life by calling me every night when I was internet-less, so...ya know. I had to write it ^^;;;;;;
Title: Cakegasm: The
Rating: PG-13 (for...um...not-quite-smut-ness)
Summary: The love child of my two fics "Cake" and "Mating Habits." Both fics had clearly been snorting large amounts of crack at the time of conception. Erm...I am sooooooo sorry to everyone who ends up reading this. I have no idea what the hell, really XDDD
~Cakegasm: The Fic~
Inui had been surprised, but rather pleased, when Kaidoh had requested a trip to the zoo for their first anniversary. Well, to tell the truth, he had been a little dismayed at first, because he would have preferred to stay home, so that they could have a romantic dinner and do...well...do things that were best done out of the public eye.
Then he’d realized that their anniversary fell on a Thursday. This was extremely fortuitous, in Inui’s opinion. He’d calculated that only about four percent of school tours were scheduled on Thursdays. Therefore, there was an approximately ninety-six percent chance that he and Kaidoh would not be interrupted by any groups of thirty or forty grade school students. Inui’s lips curved upward in a slight smirk; so far, his prediction had been one hundred percent accurate. As a matter of fact, they had not seen anyone else the entire time they had been at the zoo.
“Inui?” Kaidoh’s voice provided a very pleasant interruption of his thoughts. “Why are you smiling like that?” Well, pleasant, but apparently now Inui would have to think of a good excuse.
Inui gave Kaidoh his best innocent grin. “Ah, just enjoying your company.”
Kaidoh eyed him warily. “You remember your promise...don’t you?”
Oh, yes. Inui remembered his promise all right, unfortunately. “Yes. I promised that I would not do anything that would be considered inappropriate.”
Kaidoh nodded, somewhat satisfied for the moment. If he could have seen inside of Inui’s head, though, he probably would have been slightly less satisfied. Actually, he probably would have left the zoo promptly and refused to sleep over at Inui’s house for at least a week.
Inui was rapidly calculating the odds of being allowed to do something very inappropriate indeed. On the main pathway, where they were right now, the chances were terribly small. But if he could somehow find a secluded location...
Inui’s glasses glinted and he smiled again, very wickedly. Luckily enough, Kaidoh was distracted when this happened and so he didn’t notice.
“Inui,” and Kaidoh pulled on his arm, “There’s an area over there where you can view the leopards up close, to the left.” Kaidoh’s eyes sparkled in a way that would have been a bit disturbing, had Inui not been busy contemplating his good fortune. A viewing area that was off the path...and leopards, that were basically just very large kittens? The odds had just tilted heavily in Inui’s favor. “Yes, let’s go look,” Inui agreed with a barely concealed chuckle.
With their hands linked together, they started down the gravel trail that led to the viewing area. As soon as they reached the shaded alcove, Kaidoh let out a small sound that Inui correctly identified as delighted. Directly behind a thick pane of glass lay three snow leopards sprawled on the ground. They really did look like large house cats sunning themselves in a window.
“Aren’t they beautiful, Inui?” Kaidoh breathed almost reverently, staring through the glass.
“Yes, and so are you,” Inui told him honestly. When Kaidoh was truly happy, he was extraordinarily lovely.
Kaidoh looked over at him, blushing. “Th-thank you,” he stammered, sounding like he had the first time Inui admitted he liked him as more than a friend. Inui was struck by how adorable Kaidoh always was and could not resist leaning in to kiss his boyfriend gently. Kaidoh didn’t stop him, even when Inui flicked his tongue out lightly against his lip. He even darted his tongue out to join Inui’s after a moment.
They pulled away with a mutual sigh, opening their eyes slowly. “Should we sit down?” Kaidoh suggested, indicating the single bench that faced the leopards’ enclosure.
“Certainly,” Inui said amiably. He’d calculated his chances now as being very, very good.
Kaidoh brushed a few leaves off of the bench before they sat, then immediately set his backpack (which had been slung over his left shoulder) down beside him, and opened it. Inui watched him patiently, but was puzzled as to the other’s intentions.
Kaidoh pulled out a small white box and, blushing again, told Inui, “I made something for you...for us.”
With a slow smile Inui realized what it had to be in a square box like that one. He’d seen that same type of container on other special occasions: birthdays, New Years’, Valentine’s Day, White Day and so forth. Kaidoh had a hobby for which he had a particular talent: he decorated cakes. Inui was, as far as he knew, the only one who was aware of this, which made him rather smug. Also, Kaidoh had threatened him with many horrible fates if he so much as breathed a word of this to anyone who was even a tiny bit likely to tell Momoshiro. Overall, it wasn’t a bad arrangement.
Inui took the box that Kaidoh proffered and opened it. His expectations, as always when it came to Kaidoh’s confectionary creations, were surpassed. The cake was mostly frosted with green icing, a color Inui was sure only Kaidoh could make look good on a dessert. Part of the top was an amazingly artistic rendition of Inui’s notebook and pen, and the other was an equally artistic picture of Kaidoh’s own bandana. The edges were embellished with blue, streamer-like icing, and carefully written across the top, also in blue, were the words “Happy Anniversary.”
“It is one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen,” Inui said to Kaidoh, who was busy blushing a lovely shade of scarlet. “I hope that you know how much I appreciate it. Thank you, Kaoru.”
“You’re welcome,” Kaidoh mumbled, averting his gaze to stop himself blushing even deeper. “I brought plates and forks, in case we wanted to eat it...”
“I would love to,” Inui grinned, “although I hate to ruin such a work of art. I’m sure it will be as delicious as it looks.”
Kaidoh had actually brought plates, forks, knives, and napkins, all carried in his backpack. Inui watched his boyfriend unpack all of these eating accessories with a kind of wonder bordering on amusement. He hadn’t even noticed Kaidoh packing all these things to begin with. Inui made a mental note to check Kaidoh’s backpack sometime to see what all he was hiding in there. He suspected that whatever it was would probably supply a small army for a month.
Within a very short time, they both had a slice of cake and a fork. Inui dipped his fork into his piece and took a bite. The cake was, indeed, very good, which was not surprising. Kaidoh was as good a cook as he was a decorator. It was a marble cake, chocolate and angel food cake swirled together, and the inside was nearly as lovely as the outside. Inui looked up from his plate to comment on this very fact, when he saw something that made him stop dead.
Kaidoh had apparently gotten some icing on his fingers while cutting his own piece of cake. This was not what made Inui stare. What made him stare was the fact that instead of using the napkin to simply wipe the icing off, Kaidoh was...was...Inui’s brain stopped for about four point three seconds, given the sudden rush of blood to elsewhere in his body.
Kaidoh was licking the icing off of his fingers. He did it very delicately and neatly, like a kitten might, each finger separately, his tongue flicking out and swirling around the tip of the finger then down to catch any stray frosting.
Inui watched him do this, completely and utterly mesmerized by every single motion of mouth and hand. He knew, somewhere in his mind, that this whole show wasn’t meant to be erotic. But whether it was intentional or not, it was one of the sexiest things Inui had ever seen.
Unfortunately, it had to end sometime. Kaidoh finished licking his fingers and picked up his fork. Inui’s mouth snapped shut with an audible “click.” His brain started to work again, in a sort of half-hearted way. All it seemed to want to calculate was the possibility of himself licking that icing off of Kaidoh’s fingers...or of Kaidoh licking his fingers like that, or...something.
Kaidoh glanced over at Inui anxiously. “Inui...is it all right?”
Inui only then realized that he’d frozen in the middle of a bite, with the fork halfway up to his mouth. “It’s very good, yes,” he said quickly, eating the bite of cake. “Absolutely delicious.”
Kaidoh blinked, undoubtedly at the inflection Inui had used on the words “very” and “delicious.” Inui decided it was best not to try to say anything else, because anything else would probably be even more perverted. He went on eating his cake, reminded of that scene with every bite of icing.
And then, as though it was a gift from whatever gods were aware of Inui’s thoughts, Kaidoh did it again. A bit of frosting had smeared across the edge of the plate, and Kaidoh slid his finger through it and then brought his finger up to his mouth and...oh. Inui shivered, again rendered incapable of sensible thought.
This time Kaidoh saw the instant Inui stopped in mid-motion. He also stopped, of course, and looked at Inui worriedly. “Are you all right?”
“Uh...” Inui was not at all his usual articulate self and it took him a minute just to collect his thoughts enough to be capable of speech. He adjusted his glasses, looking somewhere off to the side and said, “Ah...yes, Kaidoh, I’m all right, but...”
“But?” Kaidoh made an adorably confused face, the one that meant he did not want to be impolite, but just had to ask what was going on.
“Could you...ah...would you stop doing that, please? Or,” Inui added thoughtfully, “keep doing it for a more continuous period of time? Although that may make it difficult for me to fulfill my promise...”
“Doing what, senpai?” Kaidoh asked, reverting back to old mannerisms in his state of puzzled bewilderment.
“Licking-” Inui found it ridiculously difficult to complete that one short sentence. “Licking icing off of your fingers. If you wouldn’t mind.”
“But...why?” Kaidoh asked innocently. Inui could see that he was going to have to explain.
“Because,” and Inui set his fork down on the plate and ran his index finger through the icing on his cake. “it looks like this.” Bringing the finger up to his mouth, he demonstrated for Kaidoh exactly what the other boy had been doing. He ran his tongue up the side of his finger, removing the icing. He then used his tongue lightly over the tip and nail of his finger, cleaning it thoroughly.
Kaidoh stared at him as he started doing it, and turned a brighter and brighter shade of red as Inui finished. By the very end he was definitely breathing harder than usual, his eyes still wide. “I-it looks like th-that when I-” he began, then stopped. “Oh.”
“Yes,” Inui nodded, “only one hundred percent sexier.”
“I doubt that,” Kaidoh said, almost to himself, then looked shocked when he realized he’d said it out loud. “So...I should stop doing that?”
“Well...if you want me to keep my promise, you should,” Inui said ruefully.
Kaidoh thought about that for a moment, then deliberately dipped his finger into the icing again, brought it upward, and licked. Inui’s eyes followed his motion the whole time, with the kind of happy shock that is brought on by a surprise birthday party...only slightly less innocent.
“Maybe I don’t want you to keep that promise,” Kaidoh said hesitantly. Inui wondered fleetingly what had been in that cake, and decided that he didn’t really care.
Inui literally pounced on Kaidoh, knocking him back and causing them both to become smeared with the frosting of the cake they fell into. Luckily, Inui and Kaidoh both knew a handy way to clean that up.
Neither one of them noticed that the leopards, who had previously been sleeping and sunning themselves, were now quite alert and watching them through the glass.
“See?” the security guard said, “I think something’s upsetting the leopards.”
The woman who took care of the big cats studied the video screen, and listened to the unusual amount of roaring that was coming over the sound system. “I think you’re right. I wonder what’s going on? We don’t have any school tours today...”
“Probably some kids who got away from their parents or something,” the guard suggested.
“I’ll go check,” the keeper decided. “If it’s kids, I’ll make sure their parents come and get them.”
It wasn’t very far to the leopards’ enclosure and to the off-the-trail viewing area. The keeper could hear some strange noises coming from in there, all right. She was pretty sure that it was kids, teasing the cats with a toy from the gift shop or something. She sighed and got ready to give those kids a piece of her mind, rounding the final bend that led to the viewing alcove...
...and then she stopped dead. They were kids, all right, but not the very young ones she’d expected. They were two boys, probably high school age, although she didn’t stay standing there long enough to make sure. She hurriedly went back around that last bend, having seen quite enough.
The boys had been laying on the bench that had been placed in the alcove, in a situation that was definitely rather compromising. The one on the bottom’s shirt had been open at least halfway, and the other had appeared to be at least that far undressed. The boy on top had been licking something off of the other boy’s collarbone and neck, and the other was moaning and squirming beneath him.
She’d left too quickly to see anything more than that. She leaned against a fake rock beside the path dazedly, finding that her legs suddenly didn’t work very well. At least now I know what was making the leopards go crazy, she thought vaguely to herself. They’ve got a front-row view of...that.
It was a little disturbing to realize that the cats were watching what was going on and getting all stirred up about it...but what was even more disturbing was the fact that she sort of envied them.
Directed, Produced, and Written by kishmet
Inspired by snowym
Starring (in order of appearance):
Several yaoi fangirl-esque leopards
A random security guard
A random yaoi fangirl-esque zookeeper
No animals were harmed during the making of this