when the gales of November come early (kishmet) wrote,
when the gales of November come early

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FIC: No Way Out

My first entry in mine and disutansu's little contest. I'm writing the deaths, she's writing the romances ^^

Title: No Way Out
Author: Kish
Pairing: InuKai (um, sorta)
Fandom: PoT
Warning: Deathfic!! Written for 30_kills. MUCH ANGST!!
Theme/Weapon: #4, "our distance and that person"/Sig Sauer Handgun
Note: I said I was going to try to avoid realistic situations...apparently that didn't happen. Oh well, I'm sorry.

~No Way Out~

Kaidoh Kaoru was in love with Inui Sadaharu.

He’d gone through his thoughts and feelings hundreds of thousands of times. He couldn’t force himself to stop thinking of Inui, his deep voice, his gentle hands, his eyes that were so often hidden behind those glasses. He’d been losing more and more sleep thinking about it, spending sleepless nights staring up at the dark of his ceiling.

It wasn’t just lust he felt for Inui, and it wasn’t just platonic love. It was both, a combination he’d never experienced when thinking of anyone else in his entire life. He wanted Inui, wanted to kiss him, to touch him, to hold him. At the same time, he wanted the two of them to stay what they were now, what could only honestly be called best friends.

They talked every day, always running together at least once, sometimes twice when neither one was busy. They ate lunch or dinner together frequently, sometimes both in one day. They talked about things Kaidoh would never speak of with anyone else, about life and death and politics and tennis, about goals and hopes and dreams, about successes and failures.

Kaidoh wanted so badly to cross the last distance that was left between them, to wake up every day and see Inui there, to spend every day of his life with Inui, even more than he already did. He wanted to be with Inui forever, as a friend, as a lover, as a partner.

But somehow, it had become too late for all that. Kaidoh stared at his reflection in the bathroom mirror. He looked tired and haggard, even with the sleeping pills his doctor had prescribed, even with the antidepressants that only made him feel worse, unbalanced somewhere in his head. There was nothing that could heal the raw, open wound inside of him. He could not forget that the gap between himself and Inui could never be crossed now.

Because a year and a half ago today, Kaidoh Kaoru had gotten married.

She was a sweet, traditional girl, the kind his parents approved of. She was the daughter of a family friend, so it was only logical that she and Kaidoh would marry. His parents had been hoping for such a union almost since Kaidoh had been born. They had been ecstatic when they heard that they would have a new daughter-in-law.

So Kaidoh had gone through with the wedding, making his parents happy, making their friends happy, and now there was no escape. His wife was pregnant, expecting their first child, an event Kaidoh’s parents had been looking forward to since the wedding. Kaidoh’s destiny would be to live with this woman he barely even knew after all the time spent with her, raising his children with a virtual stranger. He would wake every day to see her next to him, instead of the person he truly wanted.

Kaidoh’s eyes in the mirror were those of a trapped animal. He could see fear in them, the overwhelming terror of one who knows he cannot get away. He would live on a diet of medications and falsehoods for the rest of his life, living always a desperate lie. A good husband, a good father, a good son, when the whole time he loved someone he could never have. Suddenly he wanted to scream, scream at his reflection that it wasn’t true, that he would not remain caught this way.

But he did not scream. Instead, he carefully removed the bandana he still wore more often than not, folded it neatly on the ledge of the sink. On top of it he placed the one-word note that was the only message he could leave. His parents would not want to know the whole truth, and neither would his wife, or their friends. Hopefully this would be enough to tell the one person who cared why he had died, the only person who had noticed that something was direly wrong with Kaidoh in the last few weeks. The only one who had asked him why he looked ill. The one who had gone along with him to all of the recent doctor’s appointments. The one who had always shown him genuine concern. The note said simply, “Inui.”

He did not hesitate, did not move slowly as he brought the gun up to his temple. This was the only escape route open to him, the only way he could retain what precious little was left of his sanity. He took only enough time to make sure that he was aiming correctly before pulling the trigger. Kaidoh Kaoru was dead before he hit the floor to lay in his own pooling blood...but the truth was, he’d already been dead for a year and a half or longer.
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